"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." - C.S. Lewis

Here's to another night of trying to really push myself to stay awake. I haven't had my morning coffee in nine days, and the prospect of another morning without it makes me want to never even fall asleep so that I don't have to try to wake up without it.

Yes, I've been waking up at one in the afternoon because of this. Oh, how little time I have left to be so wasteful.

I am absurdly hot right now but only using the sheets on my bed. At least it helps me stay awake. I don't know if opening my window on a summer night would make things better or worse - at least I'd get to hear the night sounds, which is generally better and less conducive to my nighttime paranoia than silence.

Having so much alone time lately forces me to think. I try to fill my time with Sex and the City or Facebook, but apparently my mind is incredibly capable of fighting off shallow, fluffy things and bombarding me with "bigger picture" issues, such as the Anti-Homosexuality bill in Uganda (which makes me sick to my stomach) or gender roles or small-minded religion (and my open-minded pride).

Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off and not think so much.

Your life's a song, so sing along before the silence swallows you.

When the rest of the household goes to bed by 10:30 and I'm trying to stay up until 6 in the morning, I have a lot of time to try and find things with which to waste my time. For example, I started to watch Dexter for the first off but realized in the first five minutes it was probably going to be too gory for me - especially late at night. Then I watched two episodes of this season of America's Next Top Model ... even though I really don't care. I watched minisodes of True Blood and played solitaire on my ipod and kind of took a shower but it was more like standing in hot, running water for fifteen minutes. And now I'm even writing in this blog again!

The only reason I don't write in it every single day is, I think, because I'm a people pleaser (I think?). I don't want to step on anyone's toes or make anyone angry. I just want to be liked ... haha. But it's odd because I don't mind speaking my mind in person (except to certain people who I feel will belittle me for having beliefs which differ from theirs). Unless, of course, I'm just scared of being belittled via the internet. That's probably it more than anything. I know what I believe, and I don't mind talking about it or debating it, I just don't want to be made to feel like an idiot because of it.

Right now I'm thinking of all kind of things I want to say, but I'm too scared to say them. I should never have posted a link to this on facebook, hah.

But being in Troy is nice, though I wish we could have spent more time with my family. I don't actually like Troy, TN. The only redemptive aspects are Clay's family and friends ... but I wish they could've been from ... Atlanta or Nashville or Cincinnati or even Memphis. :) I still tend to love being here, though.

I think there are only 21 more days until I go to Disney World, which is really exciting for me. It's a joy that I hope I never grow out of.

Also, Sonic's happy hour is super satisfying, I still don't comprehend how I got a B in marriage class (clearly my future isn't looking good!), my fingernails are painted green like Shrek, I really want to see Iron Man 2, and only two hours and fifteen minutes until Clay gets off work. I wonder if I'll be able to continue passing time.

If that's love, it comes at much too high a cost.

I love show tunes. I can't help it. I think it began from a Disney obsession in my childhood, and then my mom letting me watch Showboat all the time and Mimi taking me down to see musicals at the Tivoli. They just make me so, so happy. That's also why I started watching Glee online - I think the show itself is pretty silly, but I watch it just to see what songs they'll sing in every episode, haha.

"Awake, thou wintry earth -

Fling off thy sadness!

Fair vernal flowers, laugh forth

Your ancient gladness!"

Today is amazing. The weather is truly perfect and it's too early for pollen to make my allergies act up. Springtime makes everything better - people are happier and more friendly and everything seems filled with a sense of love and peace.

Let's build ourselves a fire.

I have recently become aware that apparently more people than I suspected read this blog. How daunting. The things I think and do are really not interesting enough for an obvious. However, I feel quite accomplished at the moment for having finished my paper on a play written by Steve Martin - it's like that one thing has finally made me feel back on track, hah. I do have a German quiz tomorrow... but I'll make do!

Watching True Blood has made me talk with a more Southern accent, I swear. I was just reading Dead to the World to Kayla Lupo as a bedtime story and I think I have my Sookie/Arlene voice down pat. :) My, what a skill.

I love when my 8 a.m. class is cancelled. I mean, I really do like that class, and in a lot of ways I like starting my day so early... but it is SUCH a relief to know that I don't have to be up at 7 in the morning. I kind of miss sleeping till noon.

Life is moving so quickly lately. All of my friends are growing up (maybe I am, too... but only a little). People are taking business trips and getting engaged and it's blowing my mind. I feel like I'm still 16.

I wonder if I'll miss Vienna for the rest of my life.

That woman, she's got eyes that shine like a pair of stolen polished dimes.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love,

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove.

Oh, no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests.. and is never shaken.

It is the star to every wandering bark

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love is not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come.

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out.. even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

I love Valentine's Day. I have always loved Valentine's Day. I don't know what it is, because I don't care about the stereotypical Valentine's routine, I don't care for the consumerism it begs for, I don't even like the shallow displays of affection it seems to entail.... but I love Valentine's Day.

I remember in high school, when I was in the service club, on the last school day before V-Day we would go around and deliver carnations and kisses to people. In elementary school we decorated shoeboxes and hoped we'd have a valentine from our crush (though I'm pretty positive that at Boyd, it was required to have a valentine for everyone in the class...). I don't even really remember middle school Valentine's Day situations, probably because they were so awkward that I attempted to block them out haha.

Anyway, contrary to popular belief, I don't expect a lot out of Valentine's Day. I liked it when I was single and I like it now that I have a boyfriend - I just like that it's a celebration of love, and I know you can argue all day long that it's all about spending money and false affection and that it makes single people feel left out... but I choose to disagree. (Then again, there are Valentine's Day stuffed animals being sold for $100, which in and of itself is pretty disgusting, but anyway...)

I have no idea what I'm doing Valentine's Day, and I don't care. This is possibly because I'm not a planner and I rarely ever know what I'm doing ahead of time, but I feel like most females have some idea of what will go down on this L-O-V-E day (every day's a love day, I know, let it be). Not me. But I know I'll probably hang out with Clay at some point, and that works for me. Honestly.

I did get a handmade Valentine, and it made me almost giddy. I'm such a twelve year old.

When a-walkin', brother, don't you forget: it ain't often that you'll ever find a friend.

Everyone around me seems to be in a rut. Most of us have suddenly become uninspired and disappointed and generally lackluster about life. I don't know why. I don't know why suddenly I have so many questions going around in my head about right and wrong and the future and what I want and how to get there.

I just don't care.

But I do care enough to question, constantly, and to know I want to do SOMETHING, even if I don't know what that something entails. I have so many ideas and never accomplish any of them (something to do with my psychological make-up, I'm sure).

I just want to talk to people. I'm done with being closed in and boarded up and I want to know people and for people to know me. I don't know why I've been so scared of that for so long, because I doubt it could kill me in the long run.

Things are changing in the dynamic of my life and it just feels like I'm getting farther away from people. There are lots of reasons, like school or work or other relationships, but I'm still not crazy about losing people I love.

But I'm happy a lot. Especially with the snowfall. I just read and drink coffee and try to talk to people. It works out sometimes.

All the love I want to give gets caught between every rib.

The weather is beautiful. Today is beautiful, in a dreary-cloudy-rainy-gloomy-Industrial-Revolution-era-London sort of way. But the lack of freezing wind and highs in the 20's has been working out really well for me.

I suddenly feel uncomfortable with typing anything that matters to me, since it's on the internet and all. Heading to house church soon, though I don't actually know when. I really enjoy being excited about all of my classes every day. Well, I'm never excited about German... but that's not German's fault. Haha.

I wish I could fix everything for my friends who are hurting. I wish I knew all the answers to everyone's life questions about fairness and right and wrong and God and relationships. I wish I could love everyone without expecting anything at all in return.